Episode 41 of the Fuel the Fire Podcast hosted by Shanon Safi, RD, LDN.
Have you ever felt like your relationships are just not quite hitting the mark of authenticity? Jennie Lynn, founder of Evolving Heart and a seasoned women's relationship coach, joins us to unpack the journey of aligning with your true self. Through her transformation from a career in nursing to one that empowers individuals in their intimate connections, Jennie provides an intimate look at the pivotal role of self-love and the courage it takes to release the past.
Navigating the realms of love and healing, this episode shines a light on the often misunderstood aspects of relationships. It isn't just about finding someone; it's about growing within and alongside them. Jennie and I delve into how embracing your authentic self can attract genuine connections, and we explore the fine balance between setting boundaries and staying open to love. Her stories and insights illustrate that the path to a fulfilling relationship is through understanding and nurturing oneself first.
As we traverse the various terrains of love—from recognizing non-negotiables that align with your core values to integrating partners into your social circles—we're reminded of the importance of self-trust and honoring your unique journey. Whether you're seeking a fresh perspective on your love life or just curious about the dynamics of modern relationships, Jennie's expertise alongside my own musings promises to offer you an enriching experience. Join us in this heartfelt exchange, where the essence of true connection takes center stage.
Episode Transcript:
The more we can be our authentic, true self and let go of what isn't serving us like. That is our most magnetic state and that is actually how we can be loved for who we truly are.
Hello, hello, welcome to the Fuel the Fire podcast with your host, Shanon Safi. Today we have an amazing guest with me. I have Jennie Lynn, who is a women's relationship coach and the founder of Evolving Heart. I'm so excited to open up this conversation with her. I met Jenny through a group coaching program that we both did together, and so it was like women in entrepreneurship. So it's been really cool to connect and I'm excited for you guys to meet her, hear about her journey and how she came to be where she's at, and maybe even some exciting tips that you can take home today and start implementing.
Amazing. Thank you so much for having me, Shanon. I'm super excited.
Me too. Thanks for coming on the show, absolutely. So yeah, let's start off. Let's just tell the audience a little bit about yourself outside of your career.
Yeah, great question. It's almost a hard question because I feel like almost my work is so tied to my purpose, so tied to my heart, that it just feels like infused in everything that I do. But, yeah, I'll do my best. So, like Shanon mentioned, my name is Jennie Lynn. I live just outside of the Boston area in Salem, massachusetts. I've actually been a nurse for 12 years. Haven't practiced as a nurse in about let's see since like 2018. Probably when I got into my personal development journey, that really completely catapulted me in another direction, of course, which we'll get into. But yeah, aside from that, I'm a macho lover. I love Taylor Swift and just really value deep, meaningful relationships of all kinds in my life. I'm a very deep connector and have a big heart and yeah, and I think I've been told, I'm an old soul as well Lots of wisdom to share.
Oh, I love to hear it and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said. A lot of coaches, I feel like, are so deeply connected to what they do in and out of their work and that just shows your passion for what you do and also I feel like it gives you a lot more of an ability to share your gift, because it is so well integrated into who you are, how you carry yourself, and you can give like really great practical advice.
So it's really awesome. Yeah, definitely. It's hard to even separate and call it like a job or this is just my business, because it's my life experiences that have directly created my business and they were creating my business all along. I just didn't see it until I kind of put all the pieces together. So it's been really fulfilling and surprising. Like who knew that this is where I'd be? But super grateful for that.
Yeah, life always takes us by surprise, but we always end up exactly where we need to be.
Absolutely yeah, and I love the feeling of joy that I really don't think I ever experienced until I was in this work. Supporting women in this way and just feeling like this is my purpose, and nothing has fueled me in this way before. So I think that's really how you know I was just saying this on my IG story last night this is how you know you're doing what you're meant to do and it gives you energy. So I even know, after we record this, Shanon, I'll probably be running around just buzzing with energy, because it will. Yeah, just talking about my business, anything related to the work that I do just fuels me in such a positive way.
That's amazing. Yeah, it's so true. To be able to have work that really fills you makes it just easier to get, to just move through your day in a way that feels more natural, empowering and, like you said, it feels like you're connected to your purpose and that's really the sweet spot to find to be in that place.
Yeah, definitely yeah. I want that for every woman, but also just every person on earth, because I just think it's one of those feelings that it's almost like I didn't know something was missing, so oh yeah, I'd love to hear a little bit more about what that journey looked like, from nursing into where you're at now as a women's relationship coach. Yeah for sure. So I started college I did not know what I wanted to do and I ended up having like a personal experience with my GYN, who was really compassionate and empathetic and supportive, and this happened on like my winter break or something like that, and I ended up starting my next semester being like you know, I just see myself being that person. I was like I really would love to support women in that way and you know, the college that I was going to was known for their nursing program and all of a sudden it kind of made sense. My family was surprised Well, half my family was, because I have other nurses in my family but I remember my dad being like you get grossed out by everything, how are you going to be, how are you going to be a nurse. But it was one of those things that once I started and I started on a GYN oncology unit and so was supporting women and loves that patient population and loved like just being there for women through. I mean, you know, having a cancer diagnosis is, of course, such a vulnerable and challenging and painful place to be, and so, you know, really held space for women in that way and really poured myself out for my patients and, you know, for my nursing job overall, and so I did find that fulfilling for a while. But I also will say that when I was a nurse I was probably the most unhealthy version of myself, so I didn't have great coping skills. I was drinking a lot, like you know, after a stressful shift, like we would all go out and finding a bat was fun and I was in my twenties and it was fine. But you know, when I look back I see how, like you, couldn't really cope with stress and you know you didn't have healthy routines and all the relationships that I had in my life at that time. I had good friendships, my coworkers we support each other but I always craved more depth and that would often lead me to feeling pretty misunderstood, so like I would be like pouring my heart out to people and would never really be able to be met in that same level. So I always kind of felt too intense, too much or too feel insecure, like oh, I talked too much and like would want to like mute myself a little bit and then the romantic relationships that I had at that time were really chaotic and unhealthy. Just in these cycles of like heartbreak and trying to prove to someone that I was worth it and I actually had. I'll never forget a nurse say to me once she was like old enough to be my mom and she was just like when is it going to end for you? Like these cycles? Because she's like your life is chaos, you know, and it's like working as a nurse is chaotic, especially an inpatient unit, and she's like you know, your whole life is chaos. Like when will it stop? Why do you need these men in your life? Why do you need these people? And I just remember I still remember where I was like sitting in my car when she said that, and I remember being really feeling like I did need these people for some reason. And now I know that because I really didn't have a strong connection to myself or really have love for myself, I like needed this validation and people to choose me, to make me feel like I was worthy and good enough. And so it is interesting how like, yeah, as a nurse here, you know, representing health and helping people, but I could have used them help, I think. So, you know, my career took me on some interesting paths. I ended up getting an educator position in the medical device industry, and so I left patient care in 2018 and started traveling and doing education and was working with this startup company that I really enjoyed and that actually brought me out to California where I transitioned into a sales role, and at that time of that career shift, I also was at a really low point personally because I had reached this, you know, huge fallout with male friendships in my life, with romantic partnership in my life, and was pretty devastated when I realized that, again, I gave so much and I was this loving friend and would do anything for everyone and I poured myself out for these for these people to come to find out that they didn't really care, you know, about me and in a lot of ways, I was being used, and I found that out in a pretty like traumatic way and I was devastated because I thought these people were my best friends, and so I was like you know what? I've got an opportunity to move across the country. I could start over like San Diego is beautiful. What better place to just recreate my life? And so I moved across the country and I really thought that, because I was in a beautiful location with the sun shining, that everything would get better for me if I left the people that were hurting me. And so I was starting this new sales role and like that was going well and I was starting to make connections in San Diego and through that, ended up reaching a point where I was essentially living my same life on the East Coast because I was in Connecticut. I essentially I did recreate my whole life, but not in a new way. I essentially had the same heartbreak, the same like devastating experiences, the same friends that didn't understand me. And it hit a lot harder when I was 3,000 miles away from the people that I thought were the problem. And you know, when I initially got to San Diego, I thought like I won, I made it, I was an awesome job, I lived at an ocean view, I had met this guy pretty quickly and we were connecting and I just thought I made it, I thought that everything would just be better now for me and that I deserved it, and I left this guy's house and we had had this beautiful weekend together and I was so happy and like in tears that's how happy I was. And then, you know, come to find out and ended up being the same type of cycle that I was in on the East Coast, and so he ended up, you know, just kind of dropping me and ghosting me and I just could not believe truly that this had happened to me again. It was just that feel I was just like and that was the hardest thing for me to grasp how was this happening to me again? How could I be devastated again? How could a guy do this to me again? And I'm across the country and look how beautiful it is here and I just couldn't. I couldn't accept that and it put me in a really low place because I just was like, well, now, what the heck do I do with life? And I couldn't. It got to a point where I really was like I can't live like one more day doing this, doing life like this, and I'm grateful for that moment. But I'll tell you, Shanon, but in that experience, like I was so unwell, I was just so anxious and heartbroken and felt completely alone. And but I know now that I needed that because it truly like shook me and made me shift my life and how I started that journey which truly has led me to the work that I'm doing now. I started opening myself up to different types of support. So, just, you know, in San Diego's, you know, very open place. So I like got my first like Reiki, you know, session and I started meditating and just was like I stopped judging things. I think that was a big component. I was like, let me stop judging things and just try them and I can decide if it works for me. And I ended up hiring a mentor and we had this FaceTime session and she was like a life coach and she also read Tarot cards as well, just a really woman, very, just full of wisdom, and she like I was telling her about everything that happened and she actually said to me that she asked me if I loved myself. That was the question she asked me and like that was the question that like blew my mind, because I said my initial answer was, of course I do, like I'm nice and I'm like I would do anything for everyone, I have a good job. And I started listing out all these reasons why I thought that I loved myself and she reflected back to me like, so, like, do you love yourself, or are those reasons why you think someone else should love you? And if you do love yourself, why do you let people treat you so badly and why do you still want them in your life, if you really loved yourself and like that moment for me, I was just like in shock. I was like I don't even know what to say and it like made me rethink my whole life and it made me rethink what self love means and looks like. And I was like, wow, I really have let people treat me so bad I mean so bad and I've stuck by them, and why have I done that? So I started to actually ask myself these questions and she was like I need you to take lipstick and go to your bathroom mirror and just write I am enough. And she's like and I just need you to read that so you believe it. And that was the beginning, truly, of like this self love healing journey. I didn't know how deep it would go, of course, and so then I've been trying to improve the relationship with myself and I ended up building some confidence. I ended up experiencing my first healthy relationship. But for me, what I've realized is like my relationship experiences they have brought me into deeper self love, like they have all been my teachers and it's like part of me wants to be like oh yeah. And then I learned the lesson and then everything shifted and it was better. But actually it was when I got into that healthy relationship that I realized more of the healing I needed to do, because I went from narcissistic, emotionally unavailable men to a caring person and for me that was very hard to accept and I really self sabotaged that relationship because I wasn't over my past, like I still was projecting my past but I did not have awareness of that. So really like the combination of the self love work and like the deeper healing work around, like releasing the past, I mean those are like the two pillars of my business essentially, because it's like we've got to have this strong foundation of self love, we've got to return to our wholeness and we have to find a way to release these past patterns and not let our past keep coming into our present experiences, because it's gonna be so hard to create an actual new outcome. So it's just so wild how, through all of that, like that's really what led me to relationship coaching and my business name Evolving Heart. Right, it's like all about growth, like growing through your heart and like how can you become your most authentic best self and like radiate that self love and open your heart to the relationships that you're actually met for, of all kinds. So, yeah, it's. I can go on and on, but I feel like that is probably the highlights of how my journey has brought me here.
Wow, I really love that and I feel like it's so common to have the experience of like going into a career, and sometimes it surprises you, Maybe this isn't the career like you mentioned. Like your dad was kind of like ah, I'm surprised that you decided you want to be a nurse, but the essence of what you desired was always there, regardless of what career hat you were wearing. So initially it's always like oh, I want to nurture and support women into health, into wellness, into happiness, and it just, you know, through your life experience, kind of seeing and connecting to those personal pain points of how important love really is in our lives, whether that's with another person or with ourselves, and kind of seeing how that can actually be something that maybe we don't talk enough about or we don't see enough and we don't have enough experience with, until we take those big leaps, like you moving to California, and that's where you were able to see, hey, like this lesson needs to be learned one way or another. Regardless of where I'm located, regardless of what job I am working, this is coming up and this is so alive for me and I need to figure this out because, like you mentioned, having that reflection from that the coworker I believe you said, saying like hey, why are things chaotic? Or like there's chaos and you're you know. You finally look at it, you pull back and you're like huh, I was just so used to operating in chaos that I didn't necessarily think about how this could be different, other than just thinking like why does this keep happening? Over and over again? It just it becomes your norm and you're comfortable with it, so that even when you are put in the position of meeting someone that has stability and comfort, it's we're unconsciously self-sabotaging those and it feels weird and it's like, oh, maybe there is something missing and we almost over-emphasize what could potentially be an error or point like bone of content in the relationship that really like maybe it never was, but it's just the discomfort and the inability to be open to receiving that sometimes we struggle with. Like we could really consciously want that love, but because we're so used to and conditioned to see love as like chaos and that's our normal, there's a lot of healing that needs to go on before you can actually not only meet a person that meets you with that, but also to nurture that relationship and keep that relationship growing, knowing that we are redefining what it means to be in a loving relationship, and there's a lot of conditioning that goes really deep, which I'm sure you explore with people around that.
Yeah, and I think, you know, that's where I actually struggled to even title myself relationship coach, because I think that comes with the assumption of will she help people get into a relationship and absolutely like my clients have called in the most authentic loving partners. But many of my relations, or many of my clients, are in relationships because I find that, you know, and I think it just sounds surface level for me to say like well, the end goal is like you just get a boyfriend or you get a girlfriend and then you've made it and it's like it's so much deeper than that, you know, and I experienced that myself because after I started building some self-confidence and did attract in this healthy partner, I did have a moment of oh, now I don't have anything else to do, I've made it, I'm more confident and I have some love for myself. So of course, I met this man and now it's just all gonna work out and yay the end. You know, like the fairy tale, I made it to the last page of the storybook. You know Like we're so conditioned with this, but it's like, no, it was actually that healthy relationship that brought up the most healing for me, you know, and I think that's a big reason why I want to support women that are in relationships as well and oftentimes that is the majority of my clients because they're like, yeah, I'm in a good relationship, but in my mind I'm so anxious and stressed and I don't wanna open up and I'm afraid to share how I'm feeling, or I'm afraid that the same thing will happen that happened with my last relationship. It's, like you know, the past is just in the way, and so I think that that's a big distinction with my work too is just like it's more so about the healing that gets to happen through relationships so that, like, the natural byproduct is then deeper intimacy and closeness and connection in your relationships. When your past is in the way, it's not even something you necessarily have to work for. That's why you know and with my clients that are single like we're not there's no dating strategy. There's no like how to get the guy or like here's the text you can send to make him interested, like that stuff just pulls you from your authentic self. Like that will never be a part of my work, because I don't believe in strategy. I believe in authenticity and opening your heart to actually receive. So, like every single client that I've had that has been single and wanting to call in their person. They've called in their person without at all focusing on like okay, what should my dating profile say? Or how should I meet this person? Or should I wait three dates, you know, to kiss him? Or well, like all these like rules and stuff, like they've all just honestly, naturally, just magnetized them into their life through the result of like feeling more solid within themselves and releasing this past stuff that just isn't serving them, whether from past relationships, childhood, whatever it is. It's almost like it just creates this openness and then their person like appeared, like literally outside of thin air. So I love that because I just think, like the more authentic, the more we can be our authentic true self and let go of what isn't serving us. Like that is our most magnetic state and that is actually how we can be loved for who we truly are, as opposed to like let me act like this on a date, or let me show up like this and let me say this so I'm funny. It's like all these things that again like just are us putting masks on and like acting instead of just being your true self, and I think we all have a deep desire to be loved for who we truly are. So it's like let's guide you to show up from that place.
Yeah, I'm so curious. If you have to do even work around exploring who we truly are Like, how does that show up in your coaching sessions when someone maybe like comes from the space of people pleasing and feeling like okay, I need to be this in order to be loved, or I need to be this in order to connect with someone and understanding, like what is aligned, like who am I really, what is meant to come through me?
Yeah, absolutely, and I think people pleasing is such a common one and it's really about whether it's people pleasing or something else. It's really about getting to the root of that and really approaching it from a compassionate, nonjudgmental space. And, like you know, because I've really been through it, like most of like, I'm always so open with my clients like and telling them experiences I've been through as well Like I really can deeply empathize with how they're feeling. You know, because, because I've been there and I think that they really appreciate that. But together we dive deep and understand, like, where is the root of your people pleasing? Like and in my eyes, people pleasing like chronic people pleasing, like of course, it's sometimes fine to go out of our way for someone like I'm not saying that, but when we chronically people please, it's it's truly self abandonment. Like it really is just saying like how you feel matters more than what I need or how I feel. Like I will silence myself so that you're comfortable, I will take less because I don't want to bother you, right, and so it's. It's about bringing to the surface what is actually happening and, like, how is that serving your life? And let's dive in and understand. Where did you first learn that? Where did you first learn that your needs didn't matter, like, where did you first learn that you had to make sure everyone around you was okay and taken care of and it was okay that you weren't? And typically these are, you know, typically this is going to be inner child work. There's a lot of inner child work that will happen with, with my clients, because, you know, as children we just don't have the capacity to understand the intentions of our parents or our caregivers, and and we just our minds can't do that. So what we do as children is internalize everything you know and make it mean something negative about us I'm bad, I'm unwanted, I'm not loved, right. And then our subconscious is solidified by the time we're seven years old. And then we, you know, attract in these partners and relationship experiences that will validate those deep beliefs. And now we're in cycles of feeling unwanted and trying to prove ourselves and earn love, because the you know little version of us is still trying to earn your mom or dad's love, you know. So it's really about cultivating a deep connection with your, with your inner child, to like kind of just come in and be like the parent that they always wanted. And it's not even about like shaming parents at all, like this is just going to happen because it's just how a kid perceived things. Even if you have the most loving parents that wanted to do everything for you, it's like a kid can only understand things so much, and so I think that's the big piece of it is understanding like what's actually true versus what is your mind telling you is true, but it's actually been a lie this whole time. And I know for me, one of my core like deep beliefs was like I'm not wanted, so I had, like it was a huge relief when I actually could, like that was never true. That was never true. It's just that I believed it at such a young age and it was deep and deeply ingrained. So I'm going to then carry on with my life trying to make people want me or prove it, and hang on to those feelings where I do feel wants it, even if they're not a great person, but I'm going to try to see the best in them. I think we can all relate to that. So, yeah, it really is about understanding like who are you really underneath these like limiting beliefs and stories and, yeah, just ways of being that haven't been true to yourself and I think that that comes from really two things are coming to mind. One is like self connection, which I think is missing for a lot of women. Like how can we connect to our own energy? Like we have these huge hearts we give and give and give. Imagine sitting in your own love, imagine connecting to yourself, right. And so I start that foundation typically with every client. So like self connection, so that you can actually know yourself and trust yourself and follow you know, connect your intuition, and then you know feeling the past, like discovering what isn't serving you and actually uncovering what is true, so that then the byproduct is your authenticity.
This kind of this is kind of wild. So right before this call, I was doing my meditation and I was like I just I want to focus. Sometimes I'll randomly just be like I want to look at one of my gates in my human design chart and connect to that and remind myself of something, and I'll just trust my intuition to point me to the right gate. And so right before this call I was like looking at the planetary alignment or like the planetary representations of the different gates, and I looked at my North node and I'm like, hmm, yeah, maybe today I'm going to look at where my conscious and unconscious North node is and my conscious North node so I guess the way I present to people North node is essentially like where you're heading and how you perceive the world. And mine was in gate 10, which is the gate of self love. So it's like interesting that now it's like even a theme in our conversation and I'd be so curious to see if, like that was in your chart somewhere, or even if that's something that is in people's charts that you work with. And I think it's like if we don't have that gate activated, we don't consistently have that energy unless we're around someone that has that gate activated in us. And so I wonder if that like ever yeah, like if it's out, or if that's like a theme or a trend that would be in people that are really like exploring this, or if it isn't a part of their chart where like, oh, this is going to be in your Saturn, which might say it's going to be a big lifelong lesson and every 10 years you have like a rebirth through this process and stuff like that, to kind of help people navigate how to truly tap into that area of self love.
Yeah, I would be curious to look into that as well. I love that you brought that up and I think it was meant to be too like just before this conversation and, yeah, you know how this got infused throughout. And I'm not surprised because I just think that, yeah, the self love and I think it's a term and praise that's thrown around a lot, and I also think that there's a lot of people that don't actually understand what that means, and I think a great starting point to discover that is to take a look at how you treat others and speak to others and what you do for others versus yourself, and just look at that gap, even if you just start at that point and notice, like the difference, you know, like how do you speak to yourself? Would you ever speak to anyone that way? Probably not, you know. So it's just about being curious, like I wonder why I speak to myself that way. I wonder why I'm so hard on myself. I wonder why I don't give I can't give myself compassion right now, but I know that if someone walked in my house and was going through the same exact thing, I would give them so much love, right? So it's interesting to think about.
Yeah, that's a good way to put it, because I think a lot of people or at least I would say like a lot of my clients personally they come from that same space, because I feel like as a coach, you kind of attract people that have, or like people, clients that are similar to you, that are trying to navigate a similar journey to you, like through expressing your story. So, yeah, I find that I'll work with a lot of women who are in the same boat and also I yeah, I think it's easier to speak on that but I'd be curious, like, what about someone that comes from a different perspective, that never really had an issue with people pleasing and it was more from the perspective of maybe feeling like no one's good enough for me and like I don't trust anyone, and more from like I don't do anything for anyone. I put myself first and I don't want to give. So, like, how would you treat that sort of wounding or energy versus the people pleasing?
Yeah, as you were talking, just like the energy of what you were describing feels very protective, and I would be curious to explore that with that client, right, because I'm all for standards. I don't believe like standards can really be too high with within reason. Like I don't believe women have to settle and we get to have our non-negotiables and things like that. But I think there can be an element, if you're in like a highly protective state, of just feeling like almost like looking for something wrong, as opposed to being really just like empowered, like I really know the type of partner that I want to call into my life and I want them to add value into my life, and because I'll just give an example like I'm a health conscious person, so I would love to have, I need to have a partner that's definitely takes care of themselves and is passionate about what they do and has a kind heart or something like that, versus like, well, no one's good enough for me and well, they were 5'9" or they. You know, it's so hard to even think of an example, because I feel like I used to be this way. I'm trying to connect to like people, like they have to look like this, like I feel like I used to have such a physical type and I'm not knocking that but what I felt is that my type was very toxic. So you know, that's it was something that I think I was. I was like putting myself in a box well, these are the type of men that are for me and no one else is. But that did close me off, you know. And my first healthy relationship was not my type at all and in fact when we met I never even thought anything would happen romantically because I was like, oh, he's a really nice person, but he's not my type, so nothing would happen. And we actually became like best friends first, and so when we did end up in a relationship, I remember being like wait, this is so nice because I trust this person and like they care about me and I don't have to wake up and be stressed and anxious of if they're going to talk to me, because they already treat me like. Oh, I was like what a concept. And I remember he said to me how much he respected me and I'm like what the heck does that mean? And I'm not all like foreign all this was. But I know I'm on a side tangent here, but, yeah, going back to like the you know no one's good enough for me, or just, yeah, more of that, more of that protective energy, like I would be. I would be curious to explore, like, where that mindset developed. And I would be curious to explore the fears. Like I feel fear when I hear that, like, what are you afraid of? And like what would happen if some of the walls dissolved. So, like a phrase that I use with my clients, because I think in a lot of ways, women, we do protect ourselves and I think sometimes that's very necessary Absolutely If, like this is you know if you can't trust someone, or you know if you're an unhealthy dynamic. However, when we're in healthy partnership and we're in protection, still as if this is like a danger which oftentimes will happen if we're not over our past, I always say, like, when we're in protection, you can't be in connection. Like, how can you connect if there's like a physical, like wall over your heart? If you're approaching life from this place, then obviously it's not physically there, but you know energetically like there's this wall over your heart. So, if no one can get past that, you know like what is your like? What do you desire? Like, do you desire to be loved, right, and to receive that, and how can we soften that a little bit? You know, and it would be. I would see it as like peeling back layers. It's not like you're just going to go from that type of energy to, oh, I'm so open and receptive. It will take time, but I think it's about differentiating. Like where do you need to be? I don't even want to say protective, I want to say like honoring your boundaries, like honoring yourself is really how I view boundaries is like you get to honor what you need and what supports you to be happy and to, you know, be healthy and not in not in you know hurtful situations. So like where can you honor yourself and your boundaries but be open to the connection you actually desire? Because when you honor your boundaries, you're creating a framework of who gets access to you, and like who can access your energy and who you can connect with. So like I see that more as the goal. I don't think we should just be like, oh, I'm totally open and whoever wants to come into my life and sure, like I'll accept this and that, and like, no, there's got to be some framework, absolutely. So I just see an opportunity for balance in someone like that.
Yeah, I love that. And sort of what came up for me was like maybe like the pendulum swing in that situation where, going from a place where you're people pleasing and then you recognize like hey, I don't need to be people pleasing and I want to shift into a space where I can be myself and understand what I want and start to set standards and boundaries that honor who I am and where I'm at, and then, kind of like, before finding balance, swing to the other side and just being like, okay, I'm going to hold myself to this really high standard and say like this person has to meet me here and has to be these things and has to fit this bill, and I'm going to start asking for what I want. So now I get hyper fixated on this exact list of what I want in a partnership and then maybe good things could pass you by or it could be self sabotage when someone does meet a lot of that but you're fixated on like, oh well, it's not exactly in the package that I wanted it to be delivered in, or he doesn't, he's not five, 10, you know, whatever these things that we decide are like important to us in some way.
Yeah, and I think there's so much balance that gets to come, because it's like I do believe we get to have it all. I don't believe we have to settle, but I also think it's like just taking a look at what your, what are your absolute non-negotiables and in my opinion, it should only be a few things, right, because I think it's also important to honor your non-negotiables but to be open to surprises of, like, how someone could show up in your life and how they could like. I've, you know, ever since I've really overcome all of this, it's like the men that I've attracted into my life, yeah, they were my type. They've been such remarkable men, honestly, and they've all been so different, but they've all held the qualities you know. They've all held the qualities that are, I've realized, are important to me, but they've all appeared so different and just are also unique in their own way. So I think it's just important to be like, yeah, be open to being surprised in how that could show up and how that could look in someone, as opposed to like these really, really small details of, like someone's height or whatever. And, yeah, it's about like, what truly matters and it's been interesting for me to even say like oh, like you know, the last man that I connected with I was just like wait, I never would have expected that I would connect with this person, but it's when I reflected on the qualities I'm like, oh yeah, like this makes sense. So I think that openness is important.
What would you consider things that are appropriate to be non-negotiables If we could get into specific examples versus things that you might say like yeah, this is not something I'd consider a non-negotiable or should be on your non-negotiable list.
Yeah, I think with non-negotiables it comes down to values Most of the time. I had a client recently who was in a relationship for over a year and when they met there were elements of things that she thought were healthy within him, of like. He had said, for example, that he saw a therapist and she's someone that's into personal development. So she thought like, oh, this is like kind of jumped on it. Like, oh, this is someone who is interested in growing and working on themselves and like that could be a non-negotiable. Like someone doesn't have to be as specific as therapy, but like someone that has a growth mindset, someone that likes to improve and work on themselves that's, you know, would probably be a non-negotiable for me. But do I need someone that does coaching? Necessarily no, like. Do I need someone that it doesn't have to look a specific way, it's more about like. But I do want someone who, yeah, has a growth mindset and is open to improving themselves. But with this client she rushed into that relationship and he had set a boundary with her. So she thought, oh, he's healthy, he sets boundaries. And then, once they were in the relationship, realized he saw a therapist for one session and realized he didn't have anything to work on. So he actually isn't open to personal development at all, but at that point she had feelings for him and the relationship was deeper. She's also someone who has a really strong faith, you know, believes in God and that's something that's really important to her, and he doesn't believe in any higher power of any kind. And that ended up being friction within the relationship as well. Now she's like I don't need you to be necessarily like as religious of me or as involved, but it was more what it came down to that she realized was I need someone that believes in something. You know that there is something greater, like they basically needing to have faith. You know that's what it came down to, because for her it felt like there was no like higher standard other than just what he thought right. So that became a point of friction and truly that relationship ended in an unfortunate way, but in a way that actually makes sense when you, when there's a value misalignment, because over time you're going to build resentment because this foundation was not here. So you know, the relationship ended in a pretty nasty argument and that was it. And she's, you know, and she's come so far because she's like, actually like it makes sense that we were just at each other's heads because we weren't a match. You know, we weren't a match and he wasn't a bad person and she's not a bad person but different values, different lifestyles. She was health conscious, he liked playing video games a lot and again, that's fine, it's not knocking him, but that foundation wasn't there. So with that example, you know, I think non negotiables oftentimes come down to values. So like if you're someone that you know likes to eat healthy and yeah, that's not to say you don't go out to eat once in a while and jet ice cream once in a while and whatever but overall you like to cook healthy and you like to move your body and take care of yourself. You know it might be challenging to be in a relationship with someone that you know eats fast food five times a week and doesn't like exercising, maybe goes for a walk like every other week or something like. Maybe that like that's such a lifestyle difference. So I think it's that's kind of a way to approach. It is like what do you value and like? What does your lifestyle look like? And you know, and not getting so caught in the specifics of it. So I love exercise and taking care of myself, as an example, and I love doing bar workouts and I love doing yoga and I love going for walks, but I don't need a partner that does all those things. Like maybe they like to lift weights in the gym, maybe they play soccer, I don't know. I mean, you know, it's just more about the value of health. So I think that's how I like to to approach that and if there are really, I don't, I don't. I'm not against having really specific things, like maybe you, you're vegan and it's really important to you that your partner is vegan, like I think that gets to happen. You know what I mean. So I think I think that's the best way to approach. It is really like take note of your lifestyle and what's important to you and kind of have that as a starting point. But also no, and like for this client, for example, she learned her non negotiables through this relationship, like she did not realize that fate and like the differences in health and lifestyle were really important to her until this relationship didn't work out. So it's like just know that sometimes your relationships will teach you hey, this works and this doesn't work.
Yeah, yeah. I think it's good to be open to the lessons that come in each dynamic you experience and I like would you say also that you could learn this even through friendships and still apply it to romantic relationships?
I could see that. Yeah, absolutely. You know, I like another example coming up for me. So I haven't drank alcohol in over three years now. However, I don't it's not a non-negotiable for me. Like I can absolutely be in a partnership with someone that drinks. However, if it's someone where drinking is like a huge, important part of their life, I don't see how that could work. You know, like someone that like loves going to a bar three times a week, like that would be, I don't see how that could work. You know, so, like. But if someone's like, yeah, I like to have a cocktail once in a while, you know, I love going to a brewery with my guy friends sometimes, sure, like you know it's yeah. So I think that that can apply to friendship as well. Like I would say, none of the friends in my life value drinking that much. I mean, plenty of my friends drink, but it's not like that important to them. So I do think that that can also be a great. I love that you brought that up. That can be also a great way to kind of assess, like, what works for you and like your closest friendships, where you feel really seen and loved and there's that reciprocity, what. What elements are there? Absolutely.
Hmm, okay, yeah, speaking of friendship, this one I'm so curious about because and I ask this because with my friend groups I have a friend group that I've been friends with since like elementary school and part of kind of what happens with our group, since we still see each other pretty routinely, like I would say, at least like once a month, maybe once every other month, just because as people start having children it gets harder to corral everyone. But nonetheless, I think there's an element of like needing the partner to fit into the group dynamic and almost like like there's a part of me that's like huh, maybe it's not healthy to feel like we need approval from our friends, but also, in the same sense, is there an element of that that's okay to feel like we can have external reflection, to say, hey, this is how I'm perceiving your energy in this dynamic, this is how I'm perceiving this person's energy, and kind of just like the influence that maybe your friends might have in your partnership and like what's appropriate, what maybe is something that's like an unhealthy codependency and just how you perceive that, yeah, that's such a great question.
Honestly, I think you know, I think I don't know that I have like a blanket statement for this. I think it's going to depend on, like each situation, but the things that I would explore with that. I would first be asking, like yourself, first, how I don't want to say like how much you value that friendship, but almost so like I know a lot of women that do have friends from childhood or from forever, and that's great, and they're still friends into their thirties and longer, which is which is a good, which is great. But I also know many women that keep friendships in their life solely for the reason that, well, I went to elementary school with them and I've known them forever, and it would be mean of me to not be friends with that person, which I think is a different story. So I think it's first assessing, like it's not to say like, oh, do I value their opinion, but in a sense of like, how connected do I feel to this friend at this point in my life? Do they really see and understand me right now? Like let's let go of the fact that we have the same first grade teacher and that they were there for me through this and that and we played hooky together or whatever the heck like I'm talking about right now Did they really see you and understand you for who you are today? Because the relationship that you're in right now is in you know, the match for where you are at right now. So I think it's worth like assessing that first and again. It's not to say that you're like, well, what they think doesn't matter, but I think you get to assess first, like who's opinion like you're taking to heart, yeah, and I think you know, and I think as long as there's like respect, I mean, I think, like you know, respect is important and I think we can be open to feedback from friends of like, oh, you know you're with this guy and you show up like this or whatever it may be I think it's asking yourself like does this friend really see me and understand me? And if they don't, like, I think you get to decide. Like I think you get to have discernment of what feedback you take is like kind of the first step. But it's also not about being close to like, like like you know, where can I take ownership? Like do I act differently with this person? Like I'm obviously, as a coach, like you know, a huge component of growth is ownership. We have to own our shit. We have to like own our part. So I do think it's about being open to how you're showing up and I think it's about getting clear on what your intentions are and separating that from the perception of other people. So maybe your friend does perceive you as, oh, you act. You act, not smart when you're with this guy or something. Like you act like you don't know anything, but you're like, you're the smartest person I know. How she's perceiving that is going to be through her own lens and it may not necessarily be your truth. Like we're all coming from our own experiences. Oftentimes we're all we're projecting our own stuff onto other people, so it's not about being. I think there's a balance between like okay, let me be receptive to this feedback. Is there anything I can own? What is my intention in showing up that way? Am I trying to show up that way? And if I am like, let me explore that. But I think it comes down to like ultimately, what, what your intention is, versus like, okay, they're perceiving me or they're perceiving my partner In that way. So that has to be true, but that's not always the case. Like other people's perceptions aren't necessarily true fact, even if it's true for them, like they perceived it that way, so that's their truth, but it doesn't have to be your truth or your partner's truth. So, yeah, I think it's nuanced and, you know, if I'm thinking about the core closed friendships that I have in my life at this time, most of them I haven't known, you know, my whole life by any means, but they're such a match for me right now. It would be important to me that that my partner and them you know that they got along and that there was a level of respect for sure. But I also think it's about scanning your life and like, how often are you with your friends? Like, what does that look like? I'll be honest with you, like, I think just like in adult life, like it's so, you know, it's not like college and we're all like hanging out, you know. So I think it's like it almost. For me personally, it would feel almost like rare that, like my partner would even be around my friends, because we're all just like doing life, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it's, it's so interesting. I think we often lean into our stable relationships for advice, especially in this area, because I think maybe and I don't know if you've experienced this or had this come up just like stigma around receiving coaching for such a thing. I'm like, oh, it's embarrassing that I need relationship coaching Because I think that just comes to like the challenge or the element of being able to like own your shit, basically, and like having to tell other people that you're ready to own your shit. But, like you know, I think it's normal to have some resistance. But, that being said, I feel like there are some people that that do resist working with coaches or working on yourself or seeing your own stuff, because it's easier to ignore it or just be in your own world and in your own head. And like, when you lean into those relationships for advice, what I see sometimes happens is like it's a projection of their own experience onto, onto your situation. So it's like, oh well, I, you know, relationships don't work out for me because of this, so that's, that must be what's happening for you. And so then sometimes, especially if you hold that relationship really highly, it could sort of lead you astray from something that's aligned for you, because they're giving you advice from based off like what's not aligned for them and what their non-negotiables are and what doesn't make sense to them, and it can certainly influence something that could actually make you happy because, like you are your own person and if you're going to advice from a friend and they're giving you advice rather than helping you reflect to yourself, I think it can really impact your decisions in a way that you know may or may not be in your best interest.
Yeah, it really. It really is a good point what you're bringing up to, because I know that for me, like when I would like a guy or start to have feelings for someone, it's like, yeah, call your friends and get all their opinion and you know, I think it can get clouded for sure, and people are coming from their own experience, so they are going to be the advice they're going to give will be filtered through that and your point around like resistance to coaching, like that is why having a coach is so valuable, because it is that unbiased support right, like and I actually and I've had friends say that like you know, yeah, you can talk to friends and family, but they they're, you know, they've got their biases right, and so, like, having someone that has been through similar struggles to you and has overcome it can help you get to where you want to go faster. You know, and like that's my goal for my clients. It's like I swear to God I've been heartbroken for but heartbroken for 30 years, if not more, of my life and spent years and years in these challenging dynamics. So through that, it's like I want to help women get to what they desire faster, so that you don't have to be on these, you know, year four, five year long. I know, like you know, for me, I've know I've been in dynamics, that unhealthy dynamics, for that long or holding on to connections in some capacity for that long, just wanting it to work. And so I think that's one of the most valuable things about having a coach is you're able to just go so deep and really accelerate the growth. You know, in a quicker way. But I think with friendship and I can really relate and I love bringing this up because I haven't even thought about this in so long but I think that there gets to be an element of self trust and I think there's nothing wrong with asking for advice or sharing with your friends what's going on. But I think if there's not a solid foundation of trusting yourself, then you will make decisions just based on what everyone else thinks and that may not necessarily be what's best for you. And I think that brings it back to that self connection piece to trust yourself. Think about what it takes for you to trust someone else. They need to show up for you, they need to be reliable and consistent and dependable. So are you those things for yourself? And if not, how can you start to cultivate that and the more you feel connected to yourself and can trust yourself, that feels good. That feels like a deep breath, to be honest.
That's why I really love coaching, because coaching is all around turning you inward and building that self-trust. I think it's normal, especially in my past experience, where sometimes a client might approach you and be like please tell me what to do, what should I do? How should I do this? As a coach, I think, or I would say, as a good coach, because you just never know. You always have to use your discernment with who you work with. What a good coach would help you understand how to come to the answer within yourself. They're just good at asking the right questions to empower you and for you to challenge some of those thoughts and patterns and to figure out what is within me, what is non-negotiable within me, what do I truly value, what actually makes me happy, instead of outsourcing all of those answers and just kind of absorbing whatever is around you, rather than finding what's within and radiating it without. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. It's so valuable and, especially with relationships, there is no one size fits all, and I think that's why I struggle when I see and I'm not knocking anyone, but I struggle when I see follow this strategy or this is how it works, or here's the rule for this. We are all individual people. We are all unique. No one else is you, no one else is me. How can there be a one size fits all when it comes to relationships, especially when that's two people involved? Every single person, every single client that I coach, regardless of the similar themes that come up, like self-love or inner child healing or communication or whatever it may be, it still looks different for every single client. Even the client outcomes that I've had are the same of getting into that healthy partnership. Their journey to get there was different and the lessons that they went through are different. Yeah, I think that it's important to be connected to your own truth and your own self and what works for you and allowing yourself to have your own path, because I think there's also that element of just society telling us what it should look like and all clients that are like but I'm 33 year, I'm 32 and I thought I was supposed to have everything here by now. And it's like, for some people that does happen and that's beautiful and that's great. But if that's not your path, your path still gets to be beautiful. And I'm 34 years old and I'll be honest, I don't feel any pressure. I don't feel any like oh my God, I'm not married yet or oh my God, I didn't have kids yet. I personally don't want kids, but I do want that partnership and I'll have that. And I'm surrendered to the timeline because I know that when that happens, it's going to be exactly how it was meant to be. And along the way, I've met amazing connections and connections that I never thought that I would experience, and they've all continued to teach me right. So I just think letting yourself have your own path and know that it's beautiful, even if it wasn't what was ingrained into our brains of what it should be, because how can we all be meant to follow the same timeline when we're all different? It's just something so important to think about, hmm.
Amen. Amen.
I love that yeah.
This has been such a good conversation. I feel like I just love it Every time I have a guest on I not to toot my own horn, but I pick amazing guests and you do.
You do not toot my own horn, but you do yeah.
I just I freaking love it and I just feel like I could talk endlessly. But yeah, I mean say, people listening, want to continue a conversation with you or are interested in working with you, how can they connect further?
Yeah, absolutely. I would say that Instagram is probably the easiest route. So my username is underscore Jenny Lynn and yeah, my business website is evolvingharorg, so that can be a cool place to just kind of check out. Yeah, client testimonials I've got. I love doing interviews like this with my clients as well, just because they all have these incredible stories, so I've got the interviews on there as well. And yeah, you can reach out to me via IG. I've got my coaching application on there, but would love to hear from anyone that this resonated with.
Oh, awesome, we will be sure to link you in the show notes so people can click and get linked directly to you. But yeah, so thanks again. Thank you so much for being here and I'm really excited for people to listen to this conversation and, of course, I think both of us would love to hear people's perspectives, people's breakups. They have any, so share it with us. Both of our DMs are open, so we want to hear what your takeaways are and how we can support you further.
Amazing. Thank you so much Shanon. This was awesome. You brought up like the most amazing points and it's been a great combo, so thank you.
Likewise, I loved hearing your journey and I really value your professional opinion in this area and I'm excited to really absorb that and sit with it and kind of see how I can implement some of the tips and guidance that you shared. Amazing Thanks again. Thank you.
Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. If you're enjoying listening to this podcast, I have a special gift for you. If you leave a review and send me a screenshot, I will send you something personally in the mail just to show you how much I appreciate your help in helping me spread the empowerment across the world and showing other women the magic that they have within themselves, just the same way you do. If you are enjoying this episode, then I would love it if you took a screenshot and posted it on your story on Instagram and tagged me at fuel the underscore fire. Let's have a conversation about it. Let's chat about it. I love to hear your thoughts and your feedback. I'm here to support you in any way that I can. I love you guys so much and I'm excited to keep coming at you with some new guests, new information and new techniques to keep blowing your mind and making you feel invincible. Thanks for listening. Love you Bye.