What would drive a chick to take a month long solo trip to a place she has never been with absolutely no game plan?
Was it insanity? Was it a spiritual awakening? Was it a realization that she needed to start living in a way that made her happy?
Keep reading to find out. 😉
Where do I begin!?
Well, I will give you the briefest possible summary I can to what led me there.
If you're new to this blog that I haven't updated in 3 years (and likely never disclosed in any previous posts), I owned a nutrition, cooking, and fitness business in Allentown, PA.
I was living a life that I wanted to come off as "perfect." I wanted to have the most amazing self-made entrepreneur job, the hottest life partner, wild vacations, cool friends, insane fitness capabilities and a slammin' bod.
But the way I was living was f*cking EXHAUSTING. I would wake up at 4am every day to workout at 5am. I came home, ate food, rushed to work for 7:30am with silent anxiety, worked until 8pm (because that's what dedicated business owners do), cram in food that I perfectly portioned in my meal prep, then pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.... just to wake up dreadfully at 4am the next day... gaslighting myself into thinking I am just an extremely dedicated, respectable young woman who has an incredible drive and self-discipline worthy of the highest admiration..😅
I missed a lot of family and friend events/parties because of my (oddly admired) work addiction. But I damn well tried to attend and say yes to as much as I possibly could without ever considering how exhausted, depleted, and sad I felt inside. I just wouldn't let myself slow down because if I did... I would fill with anxiety about how lazy I am being and berate myself with negative self talk until I couldn't take my own internal shit-talking that I had to get up and do something anyway...... relaxing just wasn't possible for me so I didn't even try.
I would absolutely have fantasies about casual Tuesday evening dinners with friends where I looked hot and laughed about amazing memories. But the thought of eating outside of my "perfect" meal schedule, sucking it in for 3 hours, and thinking about pleasure was just way too overwhelming & unrealistic for me at that time. The thought of a solo trip to Hawaii was something I couldn't even fathom.
I was so obsessed with my work because it was my greatest source of validation at the time. And I thought I had to have the perfect body to go along with it, otherwise no one would come to me for nutrition or fitness advice... So, I became addicted to competing in fitness as well. Anything that would prove that I was better than other people without me having to say it was exactly my type of thing in my 20's. (please note this is sarcasm but also true LOL)
Alas, time to disclose the 3rd addiction: toxic romance. I gladly accepted the chaos and loved to show off a juicy muscle man (as my mom would call it).
You best believe that I had not only convinced myself that it was fine, I deceived the world into thinking my life was the bestttt and they should also want this life.
The triple-threat chaos combo of long work hours, painful fitness, and narcissistic romance would become my ego's demise.
I had multiple "come to jesus" moments but then went back to my chaos..
Moment 1: I was so lonely and emotionally distraught after I just bought my brand new car and brand new house (a time I should've been excited and proud) but I was scream and crying during a thunderstorm begging God to make the pain end. The success work had brought me felt empty.. but I went right back to it the next day (but it slowly ate away at me).
Moment 2: I hurt my shoulder from competing, which led to a me not being able to move any of my body without immense pain for months. I couldn't sleep or focus and had so much anxiety about the thought of no longer being in shape.. but I went back to the gym and started taking fat burners as soon as I could (but I resented every workout after this).
Moment 3: I entered a relationship with a man that I knew was just like the rest. But I was really convinced I could change him this time.. and I found out about the deceit & told myself NEVER AGAIN WILL I DATE. But I dated another emotionally unavailable man but he was older so that had to be better, right? (but I cringed at every word I said to him because I was aware it was coming from a place of desperately seeking love).
The Final Come-To-Jesus Moment that Actually Sent Me on My Solo Trip to Hawaii
My life felt like it was crumbling because I just couldn't take it all anymore. I was facing resistance and defeat in my business, in my love life, in the gym, with my body, and with my family. My heart just couldn't take it and I physically, mentally, emotionally just couldn't bring myself to do any of it for not even 1 more day.. The universe got so loud with its message of "WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS NOT IT!!!" It had to hurt so much for me to listen because I wasn't listening to the gentle nudges before this moment. I wanted to set every part of my life on fire and run away.
So, I had the moment that most would perceive as "she dun lost her mindddd!"
I let go of my half-a-million-dollar in-person business (But I had resentment)
I broke up with my boyfriend (But I had resentment)
I quit the gym (But I had resentment)
I stopped trying to control my body (But I had resentment)
I stopped trying to please my family.. But I had resentment....
I was FILLED with resentment. I resented everyone and everything for how it all went down.
I knew that the only solution was letting go of every part of my identity and every source of external validation. I didn't know what was going to be left under all that. I didn't know who I truly was anymore.
My life felt like one big facade and I strayed away from all the things that actually made me happy. I lost sight of my purpose and was living to try to convince everyone I was worthy of being loved through external things.
So, naturally, I went to Hawaii to find myself. *so cliche*
I spent my time doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't care what I ate, where I went, if it was productive, if I was active, if I was making money, how people perceived me. I just didn't care about anything except my happiness & healing.
While I thought I was some one who forgave easily, I started to realize I had built up so much silent resentment (from the things listed above, and more) that had to be let go in order for me to move into the next stage of my life where I could live happily.
I had to forgive myself for accepting negative experiences into my life and not taking responsibility for my role in allowing/causing them to happen.
I forgave everyone for everything, though I had the most anger towards myself. It was hard to let go because I identified so strongly with these negative emotions...
I didn't know how to be without anxiety, anger, fear, or worry.
I had to learn a new iteration of me in Hawaii.
It wasn't all smiles, but it was all the medicine I needed.
Curious about how I got myself from a place of sadness & resentment TO peacefulness & alignment?
Subscribe and stay tuned for more details!
*hilariously uncomfortable stories with a beautiful lesson*
I stayed at the Polynesian Hostel Beach Club on Lemon Road in Honolulu, Hawaii on the Island of O'ahu.
Highly recommend!! Low cost, meet amazing people, walking distance to the beach, and I felt super safe by myself! They also let you use their snorkeling gear & surfboards. Wifi, kitchen, accommodating staff. I LOVED IT! Just def bring an eye mask lol.